Every kid says funny and/or clever things sometimes. But that doesn’t stop me from assuming that my kids are the cleverest on earth. I’ve tried to keep track of some of the things they’ve said in the past and here is my attempt at rounding them all up and putting them in the same place. I’m so absent minded, this is the only way I can assure they aren’t forgotten forever.

Don’t you just hate it when parents subject you to stories about how cute their kids are? Don’t they just make you sick? Well, get ready and let the retching commence.

Evan has come out with some great one-liners. Here they are:

Evanisms: (spoken between ages 5 and 7)

Know who wrote The Nutcracker? Tchiakovsky! I guess he coughed and liked to ski.

Why is it called Pennsylvania? It doesn’t look like a pencil.

Why is it called a toilet? You don’t put toys in them.

You know those rocks in caves that hang down like icicles: those dirt-cicles?

Me: “Why don’t you like water in your eyes in the bathtub? You don’t mind it when you’re in the pool.”
Him: “There’s no shampoo in the pool.”

Daddy, why are they called lions? They don’t lie – they can’t even talk!

Daddy, I know why these are called scissors – because they have two halves. I guess each half is a scissor.

Daddy, I like making up silly words that don’t make any sense. I should be a newspaper writer!


Erin is less known for the one liner as the clever conversation. What follows are some examples.

Daddy, this is a magic teaching Teddy Bear. Put it under your pillow at night and it will teach you to sing opera. Like this:

She then proceeded to throw her head back, open her mouth as wide as it would go and sing Jingle Bells in an exaggerated vibrato. It’s difficult to describe; I’ve got some video tape of it somewhere though.

Me: “What did you say you were watching? SpongePop Scorpions?”

Erin: “Dad, I said “Sponge Bob SquarePants. See, he lives in the ocean and he’s a sponge. And his name is Bob. He’s square like a kitchen sponge so his pants are square. So, it’s called Sponge-Bob-Square-Pants. See? That makes sense. ‘Sponge Pop Scorpions’ is just silly.”

On the subject of birthdays:

Evan (age 11): “So, how old are you Dad? It’s like 50 or something right? Like, totally old.”

Erin (age 8): “Evan, he’s 41 and his birthday is December 18. Mom is 40 and her birthday is October first. You should know your own parents’ birthdays.”


“Look Dad, I made some dolls out of these rocks. See I drew faces on them and made little dresses. Their names are Roxanne and Crystal.”

Nostalgia: (Age 8, when visiting the church where she used to go to preschool)

“I remember back when I used to go to pre-school here. Everything was simpler then. Why is life so complicated now?”

And finally, some wordplay:

Why is reckless driving bad? If you drive and don’t have any wrecks isn’t that a good thing?